Living With Fear

July 8, 2022

In the game of life, I’m on third base, the senior years. There is no time like the present to confront my fears. Some things my brain frets about are laughable. So, I’ll present them for your entertainment.

1. If I carry my cellphone in the car while I’m driving to the gas station to fill the two mower cans in the back seat and the phone rings, it will ignite the gas fumes and I’ll die a horrible, painful death. I used to tremble while driving to the nearby gas station, without my phone, because what if… someone drives off the road and hits my car and it explodes, and I die a painful death? I ask you. That could happen, right? Now I’m driving across the state line to the Alabama Buc-ees, about a forty-minute round trip, with four gas cans and have yet to die. But… but what if the gas explodes while I’m emptying it into the mowers? Yet, I’m still alive, so maybe… just maybe I can put that fear to rest or at least shove it into the back corner of my brain’s fear pile.

2. Every time I buy a new appliance, machine or anything technical, I keep each item in the box for an extended period. What if it’s too complicated? Or what if it explodes (yes, I’m fixated on things blowing up) because I didn’t attach part A to part B correctly? Eventually, I take the plunge and remove the item from the box. Although… come to think of it, there is still one unopened carton “in time out” until I garner more courage. My dad taught me from day one that men (only) can use tools to put things together, fix cars and mowers, while women stay in the house and do menial household tasks. Somewhere along the line, though, I put on my big britches and walked into a Big Store and paid for my very own drill. And after letting it sit in the box for the appropriate year, I used it to drill holes into the wall and put up a spice rack and several pictures. Hear me roar!! If my dad knew I was using his drill bits, he’d slap me silly. But he’s six feet under, so I’m safe. Although if he were alive, I’d teach him how to use a vacuum cleaner. I’m nice like that.

3. My latest brave purchase is an electric water bath canner. Would you believe? It is unwrapped and on the table. I’ve read the directions but haven’t used it yet. I know, I know. It won’t blow up like a pressure canner. I’d never buy one of those! But someday I’m going to be the best water bath canner in the world, just you wait.

4. 
   

So those are some of my latest fears. Did I mention I twice confronted men who were breaking into my truck and my house? They left. No problem. Fear comes from the great unknown. In an emergency, during the first few minutes, I react calmly to the threat. But give me time to stew and fear kicks in every time. At that point, I’m worthless. I discovered that glitch in my brain after I finished paramedic training and then decided against applying for a job as a paramedic. Me? Racing across town in the back of an ambulance while the siren screams overhead. No, I chose instead to work at the local sheriff’s office and let the men with guns do the scary stuff.

The joy of being a senior is the ability to understand one’s fears and glitches and oddball habits. And find the humor in self-awareness. I am one crazy old woman.